With the Christian Easter Holidays just around the corner, one can't
help but notice the amount of bullshit people try to sell in the name of Jesus
and other holy ones. Colored eggs, chocolate eggs, Rubber bunnies and
bunny-shaped dildos, all packed and nicely wrapped, waiting for their soulless
loser buyers.
And while this fuzzy-fluffy charade goes down, I find myself clapping
hands for the marketing geniuses behind the Easter show.
Now before you think to yourself "Oh God, here he goes
again with one of his piece-of-shit meaningless rants!" I would like to inform you that this
article is not going to be a rant,
but rather a tutorial for the
marketing helpless beginners.
Ladies and gentlemen, fine audience, I give you:
9 Ways to Create Credible
BULLSHIT
-a
tutorial-
Hello, my
clueless marketing agent friend!
How are you
feeling today?
Are you ready to
rock your clients' world?
Are you ready to
resell Jesus?
Good.
Let's get going!
INTRO
With marketing -as
with everything else- first things first
- think of what you want to achieve with your product or idea. Do you want to
get rich selling a product that doesn't even exist? Have you recently created a
shitty product you fear no one will ever buy? Do you want to be remembered as
the author of an incredible theory that shook the very foundations of modern
society?
To illustrate our
lesson better, I have taken as example this inexistent book called
"Boobicon (or How To Get Lucky 4/5 Times)"
This book supposedly helps men improve themselves to the point of
scoring women 4 out of 5 times.
*Note:
Notice the title of the product. Anything ending in "con" gives an
unexplainable feeling of importance to the product or event you're marketing.
Moreover, the idea that this book helps you get laid only 4 out of 5 times and
not each and every time will lower the skepticism of those who attribute
"100% efficiency" to scams and rip-offs. However, this current
tutorial doesn't focus on the brand/product naming aspect of marketing, so
there's nothing to worry about if your product/service already has a name.
Step 1: Blog it!
One in two modern people has, had or will have a personal blog in
the near future. The reason is simple - in a world of 6 billion humans it's
getting harder and harder to get noticed without the help of an online profile.
By now you probably have your own personal blog which gets a few
hundred visits on a monthly basis. Let's say about 400 visits each month, so
4,800 visits a year. Out of these 4,800 visits, let's say 3,000 represent
unique visitors.
In other words, if you were to promote a new idea or product, 3,000
individuals around the World Wide Web would read about it and who knows, maybe
support it.
Moreover, if you prefer video blogging instead of the regular, written blogging, the chance of gaining supporters for your idea grows significantly. Especially if you're a woman!
I'd read these books
*Note:
Another great advantage of being a small blogger is having friends who blog as
well. Make sure you write witty content about this product, to determine your
friends and contacts to talk and most importantly write about it. After
doing so, you should easily see an increase in your blog's daily visits and in
the Google searches numbers for your product.
Step 2: Quote the dead!
There is great manipulation potential in the Internet. You can't
deny that. Nobody can deny that. Any idea ever written and submitted online has
the potential of gaining believers. Perhaps now more than ever.
This is exactly why the next thing to do in order to promote your idea or product online is to
fabricate quotes and attribute them to dead folk. Why dead folk? Because it's
difficult to verify the authenticity.
People love quotes. People love quotes because they
hate reading. Unlike excerpts, quotes have the
ability of being short enough and powerful enough to gain support and pass on
from a generation to another. Think about it:
Carpe diem! Memento mori. Quo vadis? Every man dies. Not every man really lives
Faith is not something to grasp, it is a state to grow into. Etc. , etc.
The second great thing about quotes is that they validate the quoted. Face it, how many people knew Philippians
2:12 before watching "The
Exorcism of Emily Rose"? Similar to people starting to listen to songs
from a movie's soundtrack happens with quotes.
In other words, by fabricating witty quotes about your product or
idea and attributing them to dead people, not only you get the audience
interested in what you offer, you also get the audience interested in the dead
quoted. Think about it: it's almost like a humanitarian action - you create a
lie to educate people and determine them to read and seek knowledge.
Almost like religion.
By the end of step two, things should look something like this:
Step 3: Advertise & market the
s**t out of it!
By now your product already benefits of tons of blog entries worth
of supporting content, the search engines are loaded with "Boobicon"
related tags and your Facebook friends can't stop talking about Gandhi's latest
discovered quotes regarding tits.
What's next? Should you settle for a niche audience or perhaps break
all records and go viral?
Time to advertise and
market the shit out of your idea! Toys and
T-shirts, mugs and dildos, cigarettes packs and alcohol bottles, online ads and
city billboards, all should bear the mark of your awesome product! All for the
sake of making "Boobicon" a mental tattoo of the modern man. Like the
word of God was for the Old Testament Jews.
Use your social networks to promote "Boobicon", use online
advertising programs, create banners and Facebook events, write here and poke
there, link on forums and spam e-mail addresses! "Boobicon"
everywhere!
Step 4: The website
Like I wrote earlier, everybody has a blog nowadays. This is why a
simple blog or multiple blogs and blog entries about your product is not enough
to create credible bullshit. I mean, you want believers here! You want a cult,
a generation of worshippers, you want "Boobicon" deeply embedded in
the pop culture of the 2010s!
Create a website! Better said: Create
the website! "Boobicon" is not a product
anymore, but a brand. It's the "Apple" of the future, the iPad of our grandchildren! This is
exactly why you need to think big and create a presentation website.
Do not worry if your product doesn't really exist or your idea lacks
substance. Remember the movie "The fourth kind"? Remember
how we all watched as Milla Jovovich lied to our faces about how the movie is based
on real events? Remember the shock when you googled the URL of the
presumed psychiatrist's website and it
came up?
If it worked for Milla, why wouldn't it work for you, too?
Therefore, get creative!
Step 5: The fake fans
The idea of fake fans is an old one. It's actually a classic, given
its 100% success ratio. Hip-hop singers use it, Justin Bieber uses it,
dictators used it, by God, the time has come for you to use it!
Think about it: do you actually believe that women shake their asses
on hip-hop music because they feel the need to? Or is it possible that years of
watching hip-hop videos of women dancing around almost completely naked had
some sort of influence? Did Hitler and Stalin really have millions of faithful
supporters or were there manipulation strategies and the cult of personality concept? And last and least, do teenage
girls really consider Justin Bieber attractive or do his image consultants have
something to do with it?
The good thing about people is their follow the herd attitude. So how could you exploit this information
to create credible bullshit? That's easy: create fake supporters. Nowadays
social networks are so easy to exploit. Just think about how many fake Facebook
accounts are created daily in order to have enough neighbors in Farmville or
Mafia Wars.
Get your ass on Facebook and Twitter, because those two are the
easiest to use manipulation tools when it comes to networking. Create 10-20
fake accounts on a daily basis for about 5 days. That way, by weekend you will
have somewhere between 50 and 100 fake Facebook and Twitter fans of Boobicon.
Don't worry about having to create 50-100 fake e-mail accounts to
register on Facebook or Twitter. There are several online services that allow
you to generate temporary e-mail accounts to pass registration forms. Google it
a bit and you're good to go.
Once you have your own little army of Boobicon cultists, start
adding random people as friends on any of these accounts. Then share links of
Boobicon with them. Be careful not to spam your new contacts, otherwise they
might report you.
*Note:
In order to give your 100 dummy accounts credibility, use the Snipping Tool in
Windows to cut out and create profile pictures for them. Of course you could
simply use random cartoonish images instead, but the chance of receiving more
friend invites from random individuals grow if you cut out random body parts
from pictures. Just Google Megan Fox, Jessica Alba, Carmen Electra or whatever
chick you consider good looking or popular. Crop their chins or cleavage and
import them as profile pictures. This should easily give you 100+ contacts in
less than a week.
Step 6: Publish the book!
So you've started with the blog. You moved on and forged quotes.
When those weren't enough, you went on and sold posters and T-shirts of
Boobicon. You even gave it a website and fake fan groups. What else could help
your cause?
Perhaps a book!
Despite the fact that reading isn't cool, books are still considered cool. It's a paradox you should thank hipsters for.
Writing books is still cool, if not actually cooler. Everybody's a
fucking writer nowadays.
*Note:
For the paradox of too many writers,
fewer and fewer readers, you should thank ego.
So the time has come for Boobicon to mark a generation by proudly
hitting the shelves and becoming a best-seller on Amazon. Think about it: good
or bad, while read a book is always right and always the standard. The author
is given the power to influence the reader as he desires. For that, he should
thank human naivety.
Oh and don't worry... buying books is still cool. Perhaps even
cooler than being a writer.
Step 7: Document(ary) it!
What's that one thing you tend to believe without question?
If you answered "religion" or "politics", may
the angel of death have mercy on you when dropping by.
If you answered "documentary", we got you! Ah, yes...
documentaries... Don't we all love them? Don't you just love it when the
weekend is finally here and you can at last sit on the couch with a bucket of
ice cream and a bottle of Coke while listening to Morgan Freeman narrating the
latest Discovery documentary on retarded chipmunks?
Yes, this is what heaven must
feel like...
But where were we? We were at Boobicon and creating credible
bullshit. We were at step 7 and step 7 means creating video documentaries.
Think about it: when you ask people if they watch TV, what do 9 out of 10
answer? "Not really, just documentaries on Discovery or National
Geographic"? You know that's the answer.
So grab your camera and microphone, pack your bags and go around the
world. Record and interview anything and anyone related to Boobicon. Win film
prizes! Make history! Create a modern myth!
Step 8: Make the news!
Step 8 does not require you to do anything crazy. Making the news
does not require you to dance naked in front of the White House, nor does it
imply you murder 20 babies with an over-sized pacifier.
Making the news should be taken more literally in this case. Think
about it: what better way to promote an idea or invention than submitting it to
an online news channel? These websites already suffer from RAO (Retarded
Audience Only), what harm would it be if you fed them another lie among the
ones that are there already?
Besides, those media whore agencies and websites would kill for new,
original, never-seen-before content, so in a way it serves them right to receive
bullshit from time to time. Might as well be yours. Therefore put your creative
writing skills to work, come up with a fancy headline and hit the news websites
with a story that's going to spread all over the Internet like amateur college
porn.
Step 9: Put it on Wikipedia
The final step in
making an idea or product prolific nowadays is, no doubt, putting it on Wikipedia. Only one in five people realizes that
anyone can contribute to Wikipedia, so until the whole world realizes how
flawed this makes it, put your bones to work and write your Boobicon content in
the most popular encyclopedia on the Internet.
Think about it:
lots of people still credit Wikipedia as their main online source of information,
so why not use it to your advantage? Think of all the students copy pasting
Wikipedia entries in their projects and assignments. Think of all the content
writers (copywriters) who pollute the Internet rewriting the same Wikipedia
information over and over again. Think of all those lazy bastards who would
rather type "www.wikipedia.org" into their browsers than visiting a
local library.
Conclusion? Goal achieved! You
have managed to penetrate the global consciousness and inject it deep a lie
that's going to last for decades, maybe centuries.
